Yesterday: I was walking with my sister after work and talking about our day and life in general. I had an OMG moment! I have trust issues, that's why the idea of marriage terrifies me. How can I trust someone enough to marry them? I was quiet relieved actually cause I now know a more specific reason to my fears and can address it accordingly. LOL I have become my own therapist. Insha'allah I need to work on that, TRUST!
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Everything works out in the end..
Salam lovlies,
I am just sitting here at work for an 11-hour shift (yes! 11-hours!). Pondering over my life and how things come up out of the blue. Alhamdulillah, I am very grateful for everything in my life and I wouldn't want to change a thing. If I did want to change something then I wouldn't experience and go through whatever I did instead, does that make sense? Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. Insha'allah my next post will be about the advice my Grandmother gave to me, much needed advice.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Let's just be grateful to Allah, for everything.
Today's lecture from my latest obsession is a Khutbah by Sheikh Omar Suleiman on Gratitude and the importance of being grateful to Allah and other people. Alhamdulilah, I feel refreshed and more aware of purpose and life in general, especially when I really listen. You can watch the lecture I'm talking about by clicking here for the link. Insha'allah you will benefit from it and enjoy watching as much as I did, let me know what you think!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Abandonment issues
Well, I am no longer in denial. Yes I have "abandonment issues" but how does that effect me? For starters, I can't stand silence for long, I worry the people I love and care about will leave me at the first sign of trouble or anything else for that matter. I am a prisoner of people. I am attached to people. I love to have people around me. I worry about the condition of the people in my life. Let me make it clear, only a small number of people that I really love is what I worry about. I have become vulnerable and nothing anyone says or does changes my mind. Have I proven my case? The question is what am I going to do about it? Well, I am on a mission to do my own therapy with much needed help from Allah, Alhamdulillah. It is actually working out pretty good I must say. So for starters I narrowed it down to a list of the most important person in my life to the lesser important person and focus on that person first, going slowly. I started a fast, a fast of talking, approaching or even talking (well, I tried) about that person for a month. How did that go you might ask? I'm about 2 weeks into this.At first I thought I can do this, I CAN DO THIS!! After 5 days and that person hasn't called or anything I started wondering, is my relationship coming to an end? Oh Allah can I do this? But I told myself "No! You will do this! Even if the relationship ends! You won't quite" So I didn't. I started to watch more lectures, especially by Sheikh Omar Suleiman, and I didn't feel as vulnerable and attached anymore. I was becoming ok and more "stable". To my shock the person actually sent me a message!! I know I was shocked but did I reply? Heck no! I still have 2 weeks to go. I need to do this and I can't worry about the relationship breaking apart. It shouldn't if the person really cares about me and wants me in their life. I need them to be in my hand and not in my heart because the only One who should be in my heart is Allah, and Alhamdulillah.
Let me know if you'd like an update on how this goes and what Lectures I'm watching :)
Let me know if you'd like an update on how this goes and what Lectures I'm watching :)
Can you Comment, please?!
Ok, so I love writing on this blog but I also LOVE having conversations with other people and not just myself. If one of my posts intrigue you, tell me! If you are curious about why I posted something, tell me! If you'd like to know more, tell me! What do you want to see me post about? Please tell me! I know you probably would if you really wanted to but I'm just gonna give that extra push! wink-wink!
We'll live & see
I have discovered my own therapy tool, Alhamdulillah. I have found myself lately wondering a lot and thinking the dangerous "what if" about the future. All of a sudden I caught myself always saying "We'll live & see". That has made a world of a difference in my attitude and anxiety level. I mean really, can we do anything but live and see. So I wanted to share my new found peace of mind and what actually helps me look forward to see how things will work out and what will happen. Try it, you might like it too!
Till Then,
Till Then,
We'll live & see...
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Why do people have to leave each other?
This is my constant and ongoing struggle: why do people have to leave each other? I remember reading Yasmin Mogahed's article on this a while back and thought it would be a great idea to read it again as a reminder. Alhamdulillah, I must work on this attachment, it's too painful, too unpredictable, and too draining for me to keep going through it again and again. I recommend everyone to read that article and it's part two also. But I'm thinking, now what? How do I detach? How do I change my connection from people to Allah? I don't know what to do first and how to do it but I have started. I decided to determine who am I currently attached to and not contact that person for a month. Kind of like fasting, I'm fasting from some people. I need to detach! I desperately want to detach and Insha'allah I hope I can. If anyone has suggestions on what I should do please share, I would LOVE to heard your thoughts and input on this. Make Dua' that Allah makes this change and transition easier for me, Ameen. I've attached the links below to the articles and Insha'allah it will benefit you as it has benefited me.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
My latest YouTube obsession
I accidentally clicked on a YouTube video about the funniest Sahaba by Sheikh Omar Suleiman and I enjoyed it so much that I decided to see if has has anymore videos on YouTube. Well, it turns out he has a ton and I had no idea how amazing and informative they were! I have been listening to his lectures and Khutbas any chance I get and Alhamdulillah I have learned so much. I want to talk about one in particular; Being Independent of the Creation. SubhanAllah, I needed to hear that one and especially on the day I watched it. I have learned that boundaries are always needed when it comes to people and making sure that you are ALWAYS relying on Allah and not people like you. I am some what a control freak and this was something I needed to hear, I can't control! I can't control who stays in my life and who doesn't. I can't control who is honest and sincere to me and who isn't. But I can control how I let people affect my life and to what extent, and that can only happen with what I love to do: control! I would love to post many more of my favorite lectures by Sheikh Omar Suleiman Insha'allah but for now, be independent of the creation and you will have succeeded. Click here to watch the YouTube video.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Dear Mom, I miss you.
My Dear Mom,
I miss you so very much. I miss your smile and laugh but most of all I miss your hugs. I don't know how we got to be so apart but I miss you. I hope that we can repair our relationship and be with each other once again. My birthday is almost here, and I remembered how you would call me "Birthday Girl!" a month before, but not anymore. I was your sweetie and care bear, was is the key word here. I hate growing up for this very reason, I am no longer in your nest and its easier to grow apart. Mom, I love you! I am sorry if I have done anything to hurt you in anyway. I would never want to do that and I hate the thought that I might have already. I can't wait for us to meet! It's been too long and I need my mommy, I always will. I have been going through so many life changes and I got confused. I still am Mom, and I don't know what to do. I have no idea who to trust and who not to but that isn't as bad as loosing you. I love how we were friends and I trusted you for everything but I know that's gonna take work. I just want things to go back to how they were between us and even better. I can't stand the thought of loosing you and I can't stand not being close to you. I hope you can forgive me and accept my request, to be your loving daughter again.
I miss you so very much. I miss your smile and laugh but most of all I miss your hugs. I don't know how we got to be so apart but I miss you. I hope that we can repair our relationship and be with each other once again. My birthday is almost here, and I remembered how you would call me "Birthday Girl!" a month before, but not anymore. I was your sweetie and care bear, was is the key word here. I hate growing up for this very reason, I am no longer in your nest and its easier to grow apart. Mom, I love you! I am sorry if I have done anything to hurt you in anyway. I would never want to do that and I hate the thought that I might have already. I can't wait for us to meet! It's been too long and I need my mommy, I always will. I have been going through so many life changes and I got confused. I still am Mom, and I don't know what to do. I have no idea who to trust and who not to but that isn't as bad as loosing you. I love how we were friends and I trusted you for everything but I know that's gonna take work. I just want things to go back to how they were between us and even better. I can't stand the thought of loosing you and I can't stand not being close to you. I hope you can forgive me and accept my request, to be your loving daughter again.
Someday, Insha'allah.
Oh Allah, I have no idea what is in store for me and what challenges and happiness is yet to come. I do pray that someday I will meet a man that will be the One for me. I am not being unrealistic nor do I think I will live happily ever after but I know that marriage can be a beautiful connection you have between you and your spouse for the sake of Allah. I know Allah knows what is best for me but these are some of the things I think would be nice to have in a spouse, Insha'allah.
From a religious stand point, It would be nice to have a man who will lead Fajr prayer and any other prayer while he is home. A man that loves to discuss Islam and learn new things with me about the beauty of our religion. A man that strives to be closer to Allah and knows that we should strive together in order to be with each other in Jannah. A man who knows and honors my Islamic rights just as I will honor his.
From another stand point, I would love to have a man that knows how to be sensitive when I am hurt or upset and understanding when I need someone to listen. A man that won't get angry and knows how to control his temper. A man who can be romantic and thoughtful of what I need and surprise me from time to time. A man that will put me first as I will do the same for him. A man that knows how to calm me down and reassure me when I feel like my life is a mess and don't know what to do.
Many of you might say: "I thought you were going to be realistic?!?" well, I am and these things do exists. Why do we think that men are not capable of being all these things and more?
I also would like to include a letter to my future hubby, too much you think? Well, I miss him without knowing him and I know Allah will connect us when the time is right so till then..
Dear Future Babe,
I just want you to know that I think I have an idea of why we aren't together yet. My life is a mess right now and I am doing so much self discovery you can't even imagine. I think this year is going to be very interesting but I am excited at the same time. I look forward to meeting you but Insha'allah I am open to it when you come around, if not don't give up. I am a great person (not bragging) but please understand if I am not always "normal". I have been through so much and I am still going through it all but I will come around and learn to trust you. I look forward to our life together and the kids Insha'allah we will be blessed with but I am not ready yet. I wish I was but I want to be sure that I can give you everything you deserve from me and more. Someday, Insha'allah we will sit together and laugh at how our lives were before we met and how much its changed after. Talk about our kids and you telling me they will be fine and not to worry too much. FYI I am a panicker, along with a little bit of anxiety but Insha'allah I will come around. I love to love but you have to earn my trust first. Once you do, I promise you will be my everything. My one and only until Allah separates us just for a short while. I don't only want this Dunya (This life) with you but more importantly the Akhira (Afterlife). We can strive for that together and Insha'allah with Allah's mercy we will achieve it. I smile just at the thought of meeting you because I know that Allah has much in store for me and you will be just as amazing as every other blessing in my life. Till then I will love you for the sake of Allah, now and forever, Insha'allah.
From a religious stand point, It would be nice to have a man who will lead Fajr prayer and any other prayer while he is home. A man that loves to discuss Islam and learn new things with me about the beauty of our religion. A man that strives to be closer to Allah and knows that we should strive together in order to be with each other in Jannah. A man who knows and honors my Islamic rights just as I will honor his.
From another stand point, I would love to have a man that knows how to be sensitive when I am hurt or upset and understanding when I need someone to listen. A man that won't get angry and knows how to control his temper. A man who can be romantic and thoughtful of what I need and surprise me from time to time. A man that will put me first as I will do the same for him. A man that knows how to calm me down and reassure me when I feel like my life is a mess and don't know what to do.
Many of you might say: "I thought you were going to be realistic?!?" well, I am and these things do exists. Why do we think that men are not capable of being all these things and more?
I also would like to include a letter to my future hubby, too much you think? Well, I miss him without knowing him and I know Allah will connect us when the time is right so till then..
Dear Future Babe,
I just want you to know that I think I have an idea of why we aren't together yet. My life is a mess right now and I am doing so much self discovery you can't even imagine. I think this year is going to be very interesting but I am excited at the same time. I look forward to meeting you but Insha'allah I am open to it when you come around, if not don't give up. I am a great person (not bragging) but please understand if I am not always "normal". I have been through so much and I am still going through it all but I will come around and learn to trust you. I look forward to our life together and the kids Insha'allah we will be blessed with but I am not ready yet. I wish I was but I want to be sure that I can give you everything you deserve from me and more. Someday, Insha'allah we will sit together and laugh at how our lives were before we met and how much its changed after. Talk about our kids and you telling me they will be fine and not to worry too much. FYI I am a panicker, along with a little bit of anxiety but Insha'allah I will come around. I love to love but you have to earn my trust first. Once you do, I promise you will be my everything. My one and only until Allah separates us just for a short while. I don't only want this Dunya (This life) with you but more importantly the Akhira (Afterlife). We can strive for that together and Insha'allah with Allah's mercy we will achieve it. I smile just at the thought of meeting you because I know that Allah has much in store for me and you will be just as amazing as every other blessing in my life. Till then I will love you for the sake of Allah, now and forever, Insha'allah.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
My Dear Friend.
My Dear Friend,
I am always scared that you will tell me this is the end, will you do that my friend? You are my best friend, and I will trust you till the end. I call you all the time because the silence kills me, and I can't stand that my friend. You know so much about me, and I don't regret a thing I've said. You don't answer my calls all the time and that is painful and I can't pretend. I try to hide my worries and fears but I'm afraid that my doubts will become real life nightmares. I never wish to hear you say "Its been nice, but I have to tell you good bye, my friend." Will you be there till the end? I know you say you won't change but that isn't true because all humans do. It isn't easy worrying about loosing a great friend. You haven't done anything that would suggest departing but I can't get that in my head. What is wrong with me, my friend? What? Trust? No, like I said I will trust you till the end. It's life and situations that I worry will threaten our closeness and bound, my friend. I remember many of our conversation and each time I wonder, is this the last one or not yet? I feel like our friendship is a hour glass and the sand is almost running out, so I want to enjoy you while I can. Do you understand me, my friend? I battle with this all the time in my head, no matter what you've said. I know this must stop and my madness must come to an end. I will no longer burden you with such a promise and ask you the same question again and again. I am stopping my madness, and I will no longer pretend. I will be freed from such a prison, and be me again my friend. I never want to loose this friendship but I have to let go and not tie the rope again and again. I believe you, and will hope for the best my friend. Is it worth worrying about again and again? Well, you are dear and our friendship is sincere. But at some point all good things do end, and it could be us my friend. No, No, I'm at it again. I am letting go and letting you be whatever you choose to be in the end. I love you, I will always love you and that I can never pretend. Maybe we are the exception to the rule and will hold hands and laugh as long and as much as we can. Ah, wouldn't that be nice my friend? I believe you, and if you change I won't get mad or seek revenge. I will understand you couldn't keep a promise that wasn't meant to be kept. I will enjoy every minute I can, and you will always be my friend. Who knows, maybe I will change and I can't pretend. I hope I never hurt you or desert you in a world that knows no friend. You are my best friend, and I believe we will make it to the end.
I am always scared that you will tell me this is the end, will you do that my friend? You are my best friend, and I will trust you till the end. I call you all the time because the silence kills me, and I can't stand that my friend. You know so much about me, and I don't regret a thing I've said. You don't answer my calls all the time and that is painful and I can't pretend. I try to hide my worries and fears but I'm afraid that my doubts will become real life nightmares. I never wish to hear you say "Its been nice, but I have to tell you good bye, my friend." Will you be there till the end? I know you say you won't change but that isn't true because all humans do. It isn't easy worrying about loosing a great friend. You haven't done anything that would suggest departing but I can't get that in my head. What is wrong with me, my friend? What? Trust? No, like I said I will trust you till the end. It's life and situations that I worry will threaten our closeness and bound, my friend. I remember many of our conversation and each time I wonder, is this the last one or not yet? I feel like our friendship is a hour glass and the sand is almost running out, so I want to enjoy you while I can. Do you understand me, my friend? I battle with this all the time in my head, no matter what you've said. I know this must stop and my madness must come to an end. I will no longer burden you with such a promise and ask you the same question again and again. I am stopping my madness, and I will no longer pretend. I will be freed from such a prison, and be me again my friend. I never want to loose this friendship but I have to let go and not tie the rope again and again. I believe you, and will hope for the best my friend. Is it worth worrying about again and again? Well, you are dear and our friendship is sincere. But at some point all good things do end, and it could be us my friend. No, No, I'm at it again. I am letting go and letting you be whatever you choose to be in the end. I love you, I will always love you and that I can never pretend. Maybe we are the exception to the rule and will hold hands and laugh as long and as much as we can. Ah, wouldn't that be nice my friend? I believe you, and if you change I won't get mad or seek revenge. I will understand you couldn't keep a promise that wasn't meant to be kept. I will enjoy every minute I can, and you will always be my friend. Who knows, maybe I will change and I can't pretend. I hope I never hurt you or desert you in a world that knows no friend. You are my best friend, and I believe we will make it to the end.
Understanding control..and letting go.
Loosing control, is that possible? What is worth controlling and what isn't? This is one of the biggest battles of my life. Loosing control, how can I? Today, I was given the "homework" of differentiating between what is in my control and what isn't. It seems simple, right? Well, it is until you realize what you can't control and then accept it, let go of it, and no longer be affected by it. In a way, you are freeing yourself from the unnecessary burden of others reactions that you cannot control. I now know, I cannot control how my relationships with others will go. All I can control in a relationship is what I contribute and how I treat others. BUT, and this is a big but, NOTHING I do will stop that person from "changing", nothing. I need to accept that I can't control everything and not everything happens because of something I did or didn't do. Alhamdulillah, this realization and acceptance is very liberating. I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulder, true relief. I have to stop trying to control everything and by doing so, I must let go. I realized that my relationship and faith in Allah is the only thing that keeps me going many times. I wanted to list things I realized I can control and things I can't just so I can see it written.
I CAN control...
I CAN control...
- Who I allow i my life
- Who I choose to have relationships (friends) with
- How I treat others
- How I allow others to treat me
- People who decide to leave
- Keeping a relationship going
- Constantly communicating to avoid disconnection
- How some people see or understand a situation
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
We meet again..but is this the end?
Dear S,
I can't believe I am saying this but we actually met again. We met again this summer, but I must admit I was nervous. I mean it's been three years since! Do you remember? Oh how can you forget, it was a summer to remember. I do have many regrets, I don't think we knew how to act. You stayed silent and I did too. Should we have talked about it? Should I have asked you about the last letter you sent? I wish I did now but what good is in regret. I mean, look at it from my point of view, you've changed so much and now I don't even know you. Who have you become? What happened to my friend? Let me tell you what happened to me and I hope you will comprehend. I was so nervous to see you, I think I had butterflies too. I didn't know what to do, should I hug or should I just smile and say nice to see you, my old friend. Of course we hugged, after everything that is the least we could do. When I first saw you, I forgot everything I had planned to do. You opened your arms and I just couldn't wait to hug you. Ah, the relief from being in the arms of someone I knew. You kept smiling and shed some tears too. I can't imagine what you thought that night, and I wish I do. I didn't see your kid till the second day but he was so adorable I love him too. Seeing your wife was interesting, and I don't think we'll be friends soon. I thought things would be like before, I call you but you ignored. You didn't answer my calls and didn't seem interested in anything I said. You were mainly cold and dry but was that how you dealt? I decided to leave you alone and just let things go, which I did. Fast forward to the day I left, I wanted my pictures from the summer before. Did you really not know where they went? I think you didn't want me to have them after everything that was said. You wanted to hurt me and you did. You got mad and angry but what was it that I did? I let you talk it out and realized that's all that needed to be said. You needed to get it out but you did let me explain how felt. I get it, you're mad but do you think I was not upset? I never got a chance to tell you my side, so hear is what I would've said:
I can't believe I am saying this but we actually met again. We met again this summer, but I must admit I was nervous. I mean it's been three years since! Do you remember? Oh how can you forget, it was a summer to remember. I do have many regrets, I don't think we knew how to act. You stayed silent and I did too. Should we have talked about it? Should I have asked you about the last letter you sent? I wish I did now but what good is in regret. I mean, look at it from my point of view, you've changed so much and now I don't even know you. Who have you become? What happened to my friend? Let me tell you what happened to me and I hope you will comprehend. I was so nervous to see you, I think I had butterflies too. I didn't know what to do, should I hug or should I just smile and say nice to see you, my old friend. Of course we hugged, after everything that is the least we could do. When I first saw you, I forgot everything I had planned to do. You opened your arms and I just couldn't wait to hug you. Ah, the relief from being in the arms of someone I knew. You kept smiling and shed some tears too. I can't imagine what you thought that night, and I wish I do. I didn't see your kid till the second day but he was so adorable I love him too. Seeing your wife was interesting, and I don't think we'll be friends soon. I thought things would be like before, I call you but you ignored. You didn't answer my calls and didn't seem interested in anything I said. You were mainly cold and dry but was that how you dealt? I decided to leave you alone and just let things go, which I did. Fast forward to the day I left, I wanted my pictures from the summer before. Did you really not know where they went? I think you didn't want me to have them after everything that was said. You wanted to hurt me and you did. You got mad and angry but what was it that I did? I let you talk it out and realized that's all that needed to be said. You needed to get it out but you did let me explain how felt. I get it, you're mad but do you think I was not upset? I never got a chance to tell you my side, so hear is what I would've said:
How do you think I have been? Do you think I am happy loosing my best friend?
I trusted you and told you everything but you can't even listen.
You gossip about me now but what good is it.
Do you feel better talking about an old friend?
I would never say anything even if I'm dead.
What did you send me?
What was in the letter that I should've read.
Should've but didn't cause I was too scared then.
Couldn't you stay my best friend?
I still needed you but you weren't there till the end.
I didn't forget about you this summer, but I am no longer a kid.
You should grow up too and maybe then
Maybe,
We can still be friends.
Can we?
Or is this now the end?
Something died inside of me..
Not me
Woke up one day and realized, something died inside of me.
What happened to the creative and fun part of me? Why did it leave?
How did I not see it go and how do I get it back?
Oh the childish side of me, please come back!
I miss you very much as tears run down my face from your absence.
I want to play again and draw outside the lines, and feel your presence.
I want to see everyday and everything as an adventure and just enjoy it.
Oh joy, why did you leave me too? Did I not satisfy you?
Or did you prefer the childish side of me?
It's OK, I understand. I would've left me too.
They always say don't rush growing up but that's the only choice they give us.
All the rules and restrictions, how can we be us?
I no longer recognize myself from all the pain, hurt, and sorrow.
Who am I and what do I stand for?
When did things become so unclear and life so black and white with nothing in between.
I miss laughing for no reason and smiling just because I can.
When did I become so fake? "Hey, how are you?" "I'm great!".
Lier! Lier!
I can see it on your face, but you can't because I now have a poker face.
You won't see me cry or be vulnerable, no not me.
You will no longer see the sensitive side of me, I am as tough as can be.
I will not break out and let everyone see the complete me.
I was once me and that was why people were so mean.
Maybe they were jealous, how can she be so happy and just be?
Well, I hope you're happy and laugh as you please.
Because I will be me again, but just different you'll see.
I will nourish what has died inside of me until it's healthy and no longer weak.
You can't handle me, but I can't stand not to be.
You will no longer cause me pain and sorrow,
and I will no longer worry about your tomorrow.
We all die alone and are judged alone, so since that is true than let me be.
Oh childish side of me, I will let you be.
I will protect you and allow you to be free.
Express yourself as you please, cause I won't be mean.
You are a part of me, and without you I'm incomplete.
I don't ever want to grow up and be this,
not me.
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