Understanding control..and letting go.

Loosing control, is that possible? What is worth controlling and what isn't? This is one of the biggest battles of my life. Loosing control, how can I? Today, I was given the "homework" of differentiating between what is in my control and what isn't. It seems simple, right? Well, it is until you realize what you can't control and then accept it, let go of it, and no longer be affected by it. In a way, you are freeing yourself from the unnecessary burden of others reactions that you cannot control. I now know, I cannot control how my relationships with others will go. All I can control in a relationship is what I contribute and how I treat others. BUT, and this is a big but, NOTHING I do will stop that person from "changing", nothing. I need to accept that I can't control everything and not everything happens because of something I did or didn't do. Alhamdulillah, this realization and acceptance is very liberating. I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulder, true relief. I have to stop trying to control everything and by doing so, I must let go. I realized that my relationship and faith in Allah is the only thing that keeps me going many times. I wanted to list things I realized I can control and things I can't just so I can see it written.

I CAN control...

• Who I allow i my life
• Who I choose to have relationships (friends) with
• How I treat others
• How I allow others to treat me

I CANNOT control

• People who decide to leave
• Keeping a relationship going
•  Constantly communicating to avoid disconnection
• How some people see or understand a situation

These are just some of the things that are the most burdensome on me, and Insha'allah I will no longer let these things control me or limit me in any way. I will be free, Insha'allah. I will allow others to be and decide as they please, knowing it isn't always against me.

We meet again..but is this the end?

Dear S,
 
 I can't believe I am saying this but we actually met again. We met again this summer, but I must admit I was nervous. I mean it's been three years since! Do you remember? Oh how can you forget, it was a summer to remember. I do have many regrets, I don't think we knew how to act. You stayed silent and I did too. Should we have talked about it? Should I have asked you about the last letter you sent? I wish I did now but what good is in regret. I mean, look at it from my point of view, you've changed so much and now I don't even know you. Who have you become? What happened to my friend? Let me tell you what happened to me and I hope you will comprehend. I was so nervous to see you, I think I had butterflies too. I didn't know what to do, should I hug or should I just smile and say nice to see you, my old friend. Of course we hugged, after everything that is the least we could do.  When I first saw you, I forgot everything I had planned to do. You opened your arms and I just couldn't wait to hug you. Ah, the relief from being in the arms of someone I knew. You kept smiling and shed some tears too. I can't imagine what you thought that night, and I wish I do. I didn't see your kid till the second day but he was so adorable I love him too. Seeing your wife was interesting, and I don't think we'll be friends soon. I thought things would be like before, I call you but you ignored. You didn't answer my calls and didn't seem interested in anything I said. You were mainly cold and dry but was that how you dealt? I decided to leave you alone and just let things go, which I did. Fast forward to the day I left, I wanted my pictures from the summer before. Did you really not know where they went? I think you didn't want me to have them after everything that was said. You wanted to hurt me and you did. You got mad and angry but what was it that I did? I let you talk it out and realized that's all that needed to be said. You needed to get it out but you did let me explain how felt. I get it, you're mad but do you think I was not upset? I never got a chance to tell you my side, so hear is what I would've said:

How do you think I have been? Do you think I am happy loosing my best friend?

I trusted you and told you everything but you can't even listen.

You gossip about me now but what good is it.

Do you feel better talking about an old friend?

I would never say anything even if I'm dead.

What did you send me?

What was in the letter that I should've read.

Should've but didn't cause I was too scared then.  

Couldn't you stay my best friend?

I still needed you but you weren't there till the end.

I didn't forget about you this summer, but I am no longer a kid.

You should grow up too and maybe then

Maybe,

We can still be friends.

Can we?

Or is this now the end?



Something died inside of me..

Not me

 

Woke up one day and realized, something died inside of me.

What happened to the creative and fun part of me? Why did it leave?

How did I not see it go and how do I get it back?

Oh the childish side of me, please come back!

 I miss you very much as tears run down my face from your absence.

 I want to play again and draw outside the lines, and feel your presence.

 I want to see everyday and everything as an adventure and just enjoy it.

 Oh joy, why did you leave me too? Did I not satisfy you?

 Or did you prefer the childish side of me?

 It's OK, I understand. I would've left me too.

They always say don't rush growing up but that's the only choice they give us.

 All the rules and restrictions, how can we be us?

I no longer recognize myself from all the pain, hurt, and sorrow.

Who am I and what do I stand for?

 When did things become so unclear and life so black and white with nothing in between.

 I miss laughing for no reason and smiling just because I can.

 When did I become so fake? "Hey, how are you?" "I'm great!".

 Lier! Lier!

 I can see it on your face, but you can't because I now have a poker face.

 You won't see me cry or be vulnerable, no not me.

You will no longer see the sensitive side of me, I am as tough as can be.

 I will not break out and let everyone see the complete me.

I was once me and that was why people were so mean.

Maybe they were jealous, how can she be so happy and just be?

 Well, I hope you're happy and laugh as you please.

 Because I will be me again, but just different you'll see.

 I will nourish what has died inside of me until it's healthy and no longer weak.

You can't handle me, but I can't stand not to be.

 You will no longer cause me pain and sorrow,

 and  I will no longer worry about your tomorrow.

 We all die alone and are judged alone, so since that is true than let me be.

 Oh childish side of me, I will let you be.

I will protect you and allow you to be free.

Express yourself as you please, cause I won't be mean.

You are a part of me, and without you I'm incomplete.

I don't ever want to grow up and be this,

not me.



Long time grow'n

  It has been so long since I last posted and I have changed so much since. Alhamdulillah I have grown, learned valuable lessons, been hurt, experienced true happiness, and my most treasured accomplishment is becoming closer to Allah. Alhamdullilah, I have learned the true power of making Dua' and asking Allah for help and guidance. An Imam once told me,  "If people knew the true power of Dua', they wouldn't let a day go by without making Dua'". When he first told me that, I was like "huh?what do you mean?" Well, Alhamdulillah I know now. I am going through many life changes and breakthroughs that I would never have done if it wasn't for my constant Dua' to Allah to give me the strength and guidance to make the right changes and decisions. I feel so blessed, I really do, Alhamdulillah. I can't say everything is all peachy and easy now because, well, that's not life but Alhamdulillah I am getting through it with the help of Allah. The year is going by so fast but the lessons you learn last a lifetime.

Time to get back on the ground

Lately I have realized that around this time last year I was a great, dedicated and consistent muslimah, but I can't say I'm in the same position now, I have slacked! Ah it feels good to admit that but I'm not proud at all. The reason why I'm writing this is because I want to change,Insha'allah! I need to change,Insha'allah! I can't get caught up in this world and neglect the after life because I don't want my account to be empty on the day of judgment. I can imagine myself looking back on the day of judgment and realizing everything I was focusing on didn't help me or benefit me during the most important and crucial moment of all. I want to change, Insha'allah! I have realized that I love my morning routine; waking up, having breakfast, drinking tea, watch a quick morning show, and then deciding what I want to accomplish that day. Now I can do that routine with ease and Insha'allah I'm going to add to my routine reading an article from Suhaib Webb's website and reading the Quran from the beginning to the end but consistently so I don't fall behind and slack. The crazy thing is that I know exactly what happened to me last year and how my Iman and consistency in studying Islam went down. You can say I had an "Ah-ha!" moment last week and I was able to understand what happened better. My advice is don't forget to reflect on the past and learn from your mistakes so you can have a better future Insha'allah. I will be responsible for what I write on the day of judgment so Insha'allah I will be posting more meaningful posts and sharing my journey to be a better Muslim. Also check out Suhaib Webb's website, Masha'allah it has some amazing articles and lessons by clicking here!

Thursday April 26th, 2011

Thursday April 26th, 2011 seems like a random day but it wasn't. I made a lot of realizations that day like the importance of remembering your past, better yet everyday of your life. On the t.v. show The View this lady came on that can remember every single day of her life! Only 12 people have that gift and her son is one of them. But what really made me think about it was my grandma, I miss her story and I can't say I really remember them but I miss her sharing with me; her pain, happiness, sadness, everything...I miss it. I truly understand what " a person is a library" means, my grandma was a library that disappeared when she died. Sad reality but it's true. I don't want to be forgotten and worse I don't want to forget; I don't want to forget my youth, my "naive" years and all..I wanna remember as much as I can. So this is why I am writing about Thursday April 26th, 2011...I wanna remember.

It's almost the end of the semester, Alhamdulillah! The first day I walked into my Tuesday/Thursday English Literature class, I sat in the middle section, third row to the back, but at first I was in the beginning of the first row with Jackson and Freda. I didn't want to stay sitting there because my goal was to get all A's that semester, and I though sitting next to Jackson who just says random things and can't help it would distract me from my goals, so I moved. My sister who is also in the class with me couldn't make it because she couldn't find a place to park and we forgot our permit, so she went home to get the permit from my dad's truck so we could park for our next Math class. The first English class wasn't a big deal, played a game to get to know your neighbors like what's your favorite food and color, what do you like to do for a hobby and so on to see what we have in common. Jackson and I both like the color blue. I didn't move to the middle section, third row to the back until the next class which was Thursday. As I walked by with my sister, I saw the confusion in Jackson and Freda's eyes to why I didn't sit next to them but I had already made a decision.

I was happy with my new location and thought it was perfect. The third day of class (Tuesday) I was shocked to see that someone had taken my spot!! How could they?!? Don't they know the non-written student rule? Don't change seats!?! I didn't have time to be mad I had to find a new location, which led me to the other side of my row; the last row third spot before last or fourth spot from the first, however you wanna look at it. I was sitting next to a guy, but not any guy. His name so happens to be my name but the male version of it! We both have the same nickname which was really confusing and at first I didn't like the teacher coming up with the idea of calling me girl ---, and him boy--, but it didn't bother me after a few classes. 

Now I can finally get to the moment I have in mind that happened on Thursday April 26th, 2011. As usual enable to see the teacher I see the back of boy--, it can get very distracting. I keep thinking...I know so and so converted a year after meeting so and so then they got married, could that be what happens to me? Could he be him? Also I was very thankful that I wear the hijab because I'm sure it has stopped me from saying many stupid things and reminds me to lower my gaze. We don't talk much, a few small conversations here and there but nothing else. Now that it's getting closer to the last school day I wonder if he'll say anything but that day, on Thursday April 26th, 2011, I realized so what if he did. This would never get anywhere, I mean what are the chances of someone who has not asked a single question about my origin, religion or anything of that sort have any interest to ask or say anything on the last day. I realized I am just dreaming and building myself up for nothing. This class was probably a test for me to lower my gaze when I'm sitting next you a handsome guy but IstaghfarAllah I have failed to do so about half the time. I don't stare in a bad way, I just think of the possibilities. It's time for me to realize..Even though math tells me almost everything has a probability of one, I believe this case has a probability of zero but I'm fine with that.

Even though, I always want to remember this because I have learned and grown so much from my English class and not just in analyzing stories but much  more than that. 

Yes-Alhamdulillah I am still Alive!

Salams Everyone,
I have been meaning to post lately but...well, I got lazy and busy with preparing for finals. A lot has happened since my last post, and Alhamdullilah I am no longer grumpy! Whoahoo!! I have had to make some "grown up" decisions, grew a year older, and have been tested and still am tested by many many things. I think I wanna to dedicate another post to what I have had to deal with month-by-month (So I can remember). This has been a crazy year filled with changes, discoveries, evolvenment and so much more and we're not even half way through the year, well amost but not for another 9 days. I'm in the process of making some big life changing decisions and not really sure what route to take but Insha'allah it will become more clear to me soon. I want to thank my steady flow of fans visiting my blog even though I haven't posted something in forever. But all and all, Positivity in life makes a huge difference!
                          Peace Out Y'all ;)