Dear Mom, I miss you.

My Dear Mom,
I miss you so very much. I miss your smile and laugh but most of all I miss your hugs. I don't know how we got to be so apart but I miss you. I hope that we can repair our relationship and be with each other once again. My birthday is almost here, and I remembered how you would call me "Birthday Girl!" a month before, but not anymore. I was your sweetie and care bear, was is the key word here. I hate growing up for this very reason, I am no longer in your nest and its easier to grow apart. Mom, I love you! I am sorry if I have done anything to hurt you in anyway. I would never want to do that and I hate the thought that I might have already. I can't wait for us to meet! It's been too long and I need my mommy, I always will. I have been going through so many life changes and I got confused. I still am Mom, and I don't know what to do. I have no idea who to trust and who not to but that isn't as bad as loosing you. I love how we were friends and I trusted you for everything but I know that's gonna take work. I just want things to go back to how they were between us and even better. I can't stand the thought of loosing you and I can't stand not being close to you. I hope you can forgive me and accept my request, to be your loving daughter again.

Someday, Insha'allah.

Oh Allah, I have no idea what is in store for me and what challenges and happiness is yet to come. I do pray that someday I will meet a man that will be the One for me. I am not being unrealistic nor do I think I will live happily ever after but I know that marriage can be a beautiful connection you have between you and your spouse for the sake of Allah. I know Allah knows what is best for me but these are some of the things I think would be nice to have in a spouse, Insha'allah.
From a religious stand point, It would be nice to have a man who will lead Fajr prayer and any other prayer while he is home. A man that loves to discuss Islam and learn new things with me about the beauty of our religion. A man that strives to be closer to Allah and knows that we should strive together in order to be with each other in Jannah. A man who knows and honors my Islamic rights just as I will honor his.
From another stand point, I would love to have a man that knows how to be sensitive when I am hurt or upset and understanding when I need someone to listen. A man that won't get angry and knows how to control his temper. A man who can be romantic and thoughtful of what I need and surprise me from time to time. A man that will put me first as I will do the same for him. A man that knows how to calm me down and reassure me when I feel like my life is a mess and don't know what to do.
Many of you might say: "I thought you were going to be realistic?!?" well, I am and these things do exists. Why do we think that men are not capable of being all these things and more?
I also would like to include a letter to my future hubby, too much you think? Well, I miss him without knowing him and I know Allah will connect us when the time is right so till then..

Dear Future Babe,
I just want you to know that I think I have an idea of why we aren't together yet. My life is a mess right now and I am doing so much self discovery you can't even imagine. I think this year is going to be very interesting but I am excited at the same time. I look forward to meeting you but Insha'allah I am open to it when you come around, if not don't give up. I am a great person (not bragging) but please understand if I am not always "normal". I have been through so much and I am still going through it all but I will come around and learn to trust you. I look forward to our life together and the kids Insha'allah we will be blessed with but I am not ready yet. I wish I was but I want to be sure that I can give you everything you deserve from me and more. Someday, Insha'allah we will sit together and laugh at how our lives were before we met and how much its changed after. Talk about our kids and you telling me they will be fine and not to worry too much. FYI I am a panicker, along with a little bit of anxiety but Insha'allah I will come around. I love to love but you have to earn my trust first. Once you do, I promise you will be my everything. My one and only until Allah separates us just for a short while. I don't only want this Dunya (This life) with you but more importantly the Akhira (Afterlife). We can strive for that together and Insha'allah with Allah's mercy we will achieve it. I smile just at the thought of meeting you because I know that Allah has much in store for me and you will be just as amazing as every other blessing in my life. Till then I will love you for the sake of Allah, now and forever, Insha'allah.

My Dear Friend.

My Dear Friend,

I am always scared that you will tell me this is the end, will you do that my friend? You are my best friend, and I will trust you till the end. I call you all the time because the silence kills me, and I can't stand that my friend. You know so much about me, and I don't regret a thing I've said. You don't answer my calls all the time and that is painful and I can't pretend. I try to hide my worries and fears but I'm afraid that my doubts will become real life nightmares. I never wish to hear you say "Its been nice, but I have to tell you good bye, my friend." Will you be there till the end? I know you say you won't change but that isn't true because all humans do. It isn't easy worrying about loosing a great friend. You haven't done anything that would suggest departing but I can't get that in my head. What is wrong with me, my friend? What? Trust? No, like I said I will trust you till the end. It's life and situations that I worry will threaten our closeness and bound, my friend. I remember many of our conversation and each time I wonder, is this the last one or not yet? I feel like our friendship is a hour glass and the sand is almost running out, so I want to enjoy you while I can. Do you understand me, my friend?  I battle with this all the time in my head, no matter what you've said. I know this must stop and my madness must come to an end. I will no longer burden you with such a promise and ask you the same question again and again. I am stopping my madness, and I will no longer pretend. I will be freed from such a prison, and be me again my friend. I never want to loose this friendship but I have to let go and not tie the rope again and again. I believe you, and will hope for the best my friend. Is it worth worrying about again and again? Well, you are dear and our friendship is sincere. But at some point all good things do end, and it could be us my friend. No, No, I'm at it again. I am letting go and letting you be whatever you choose to be in the end. I love you, I will always love you and that I can never pretend. Maybe we are the exception to the rule and will hold hands and laugh as long and as much as we can. Ah, wouldn't that be nice my friend? I believe you, and if you change I won't get mad or seek revenge. I will understand you couldn't keep a promise that wasn't meant to be kept. I will enjoy every minute I can, and you will always be my friend. Who knows, maybe I will change and I can't pretend. I hope I never hurt you or desert you in a world that knows no friend. You are my best friend, and I believe we will make it to the end. 

Understanding control..and letting go.

Loosing control, is that possible? What is worth controlling and what isn't? This is one of the biggest battles of my life. Loosing control, how can I? Today, I was given the "homework" of differentiating between what is in my control and what isn't. It seems simple, right? Well, it is until you realize what you can't control and then accept it, let go of it, and no longer be affected by it. In a way, you are freeing yourself from the unnecessary burden of others reactions that you cannot control. I now know, I cannot control how my relationships with others will go. All I can control in a relationship is what I contribute and how I treat others. BUT, and this is a big but, NOTHING I do will stop that person from "changing", nothing. I need to accept that I can't control everything and not everything happens because of something I did or didn't do. Alhamdulillah, this realization and acceptance is very liberating. I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulder, true relief. I have to stop trying to control everything and by doing so, I must let go. I realized that my relationship and faith in Allah is the only thing that keeps me going many times. I wanted to list things I realized I can control and things I can't just so I can see it written.

I CAN control...

• Who I allow i my life
• Who I choose to have relationships (friends) with
• How I treat others
• How I allow others to treat me

I CANNOT control

• People who decide to leave
• Keeping a relationship going
•  Constantly communicating to avoid disconnection
• How some people see or understand a situation

These are just some of the things that are the most burdensome on me, and Insha'allah I will no longer let these things control me or limit me in any way. I will be free, Insha'allah. I will allow others to be and decide as they please, knowing it isn't always against me.

We meet again..but is this the end?

Dear S,
 
 I can't believe I am saying this but we actually met again. We met again this summer, but I must admit I was nervous. I mean it's been three years since! Do you remember? Oh how can you forget, it was a summer to remember. I do have many regrets, I don't think we knew how to act. You stayed silent and I did too. Should we have talked about it? Should I have asked you about the last letter you sent? I wish I did now but what good is in regret. I mean, look at it from my point of view, you've changed so much and now I don't even know you. Who have you become? What happened to my friend? Let me tell you what happened to me and I hope you will comprehend. I was so nervous to see you, I think I had butterflies too. I didn't know what to do, should I hug or should I just smile and say nice to see you, my old friend. Of course we hugged, after everything that is the least we could do.  When I first saw you, I forgot everything I had planned to do. You opened your arms and I just couldn't wait to hug you. Ah, the relief from being in the arms of someone I knew. You kept smiling and shed some tears too. I can't imagine what you thought that night, and I wish I do. I didn't see your kid till the second day but he was so adorable I love him too. Seeing your wife was interesting, and I don't think we'll be friends soon. I thought things would be like before, I call you but you ignored. You didn't answer my calls and didn't seem interested in anything I said. You were mainly cold and dry but was that how you dealt? I decided to leave you alone and just let things go, which I did. Fast forward to the day I left, I wanted my pictures from the summer before. Did you really not know where they went? I think you didn't want me to have them after everything that was said. You wanted to hurt me and you did. You got mad and angry but what was it that I did? I let you talk it out and realized that's all that needed to be said. You needed to get it out but you did let me explain how felt. I get it, you're mad but do you think I was not upset? I never got a chance to tell you my side, so hear is what I would've said:

How do you think I have been? Do you think I am happy loosing my best friend?

I trusted you and told you everything but you can't even listen.

You gossip about me now but what good is it.

Do you feel better talking about an old friend?

I would never say anything even if I'm dead.

What did you send me?

What was in the letter that I should've read.

Should've but didn't cause I was too scared then.  

Couldn't you stay my best friend?

I still needed you but you weren't there till the end.

I didn't forget about you this summer, but I am no longer a kid.

You should grow up too and maybe then

Maybe,

We can still be friends.

Can we?

Or is this now the end?



Something died inside of me..

Not me

 

Woke up one day and realized, something died inside of me.

What happened to the creative and fun part of me? Why did it leave?

How did I not see it go and how do I get it back?

Oh the childish side of me, please come back!

 I miss you very much as tears run down my face from your absence.

 I want to play again and draw outside the lines, and feel your presence.

 I want to see everyday and everything as an adventure and just enjoy it.

 Oh joy, why did you leave me too? Did I not satisfy you?

 Or did you prefer the childish side of me?

 It's OK, I understand. I would've left me too.

They always say don't rush growing up but that's the only choice they give us.

 All the rules and restrictions, how can we be us?

I no longer recognize myself from all the pain, hurt, and sorrow.

Who am I and what do I stand for?

 When did things become so unclear and life so black and white with nothing in between.

 I miss laughing for no reason and smiling just because I can.

 When did I become so fake? "Hey, how are you?" "I'm great!".

 Lier! Lier!

 I can see it on your face, but you can't because I now have a poker face.

 You won't see me cry or be vulnerable, no not me.

You will no longer see the sensitive side of me, I am as tough as can be.

 I will not break out and let everyone see the complete me.

I was once me and that was why people were so mean.

Maybe they were jealous, how can she be so happy and just be?

 Well, I hope you're happy and laugh as you please.

 Because I will be me again, but just different you'll see.

 I will nourish what has died inside of me until it's healthy and no longer weak.

You can't handle me, but I can't stand not to be.

 You will no longer cause me pain and sorrow,

 and  I will no longer worry about your tomorrow.

 We all die alone and are judged alone, so since that is true than let me be.

 Oh childish side of me, I will let you be.

I will protect you and allow you to be free.

Express yourself as you please, cause I won't be mean.

You are a part of me, and without you I'm incomplete.

I don't ever want to grow up and be this,

not me.



Long time grow'n

  It has been so long since I last posted and I have changed so much since. Alhamdulillah I have grown, learned valuable lessons, been hurt, experienced true happiness, and my most treasured accomplishment is becoming closer to Allah. Alhamdullilah, I have learned the true power of making Dua' and asking Allah for help and guidance. An Imam once told me,  "If people knew the true power of Dua', they wouldn't let a day go by without making Dua'". When he first told me that, I was like "huh?what do you mean?" Well, Alhamdulillah I know now. I am going through many life changes and breakthroughs that I would never have done if it wasn't for my constant Dua' to Allah to give me the strength and guidance to make the right changes and decisions. I feel so blessed, I really do, Alhamdulillah. I can't say everything is all peachy and easy now because, well, that's not life but Alhamdulillah I am getting through it with the help of Allah. The year is going by so fast but the lessons you learn last a lifetime.