My Dear Friend.

My Dear Friend,

I am always scared that you will tell me this is the end, will you do that my friend? You are my best friend, and I will trust you till the end. I call you all the time because the silence kills me, and I can't stand that my friend. You know so much about me, and I don't regret a thing I've said. You don't answer my calls all the time and that is painful and I can't pretend. I try to hide my worries and fears but I'm afraid that my doubts will become real life nightmares. I never wish to hear you say "Its been nice, but I have to tell you good bye, my friend." Will you be there till the end? I know you say you won't change but that isn't true because all humans do. It isn't easy worrying about loosing a great friend. You haven't done anything that would suggest departing but I can't get that in my head. What is wrong with me, my friend? What? Trust? No, like I said I will trust you till the end. It's life and situations that I worry will threaten our closeness and bound, my friend. I remember many of our conversation and each time I wonder, is this the last one or not yet? I feel like our friendship is a hour glass and the sand is almost running out, so I want to enjoy you while I can. Do you understand me, my friend?  I battle with this all the time in my head, no matter what you've said. I know this must stop and my madness must come to an end. I will no longer burden you with such a promise and ask you the same question again and again. I am stopping my madness, and I will no longer pretend. I will be freed from such a prison, and be me again my friend. I never want to loose this friendship but I have to let go and not tie the rope again and again. I believe you, and will hope for the best my friend. Is it worth worrying about again and again? Well, you are dear and our friendship is sincere. But at some point all good things do end, and it could be us my friend. No, No, I'm at it again. I am letting go and letting you be whatever you choose to be in the end. I love you, I will always love you and that I can never pretend. Maybe we are the exception to the rule and will hold hands and laugh as long and as much as we can. Ah, wouldn't that be nice my friend? I believe you, and if you change I won't get mad or seek revenge. I will understand you couldn't keep a promise that wasn't meant to be kept. I will enjoy every minute I can, and you will always be my friend. Who knows, maybe I will change and I can't pretend. I hope I never hurt you or desert you in a world that knows no friend. You are my best friend, and I believe we will make it to the end. 

Understanding control..and letting go.

Loosing control, is that possible? What is worth controlling and what isn't? This is one of the biggest battles of my life. Loosing control, how can I? Today, I was given the "homework" of differentiating between what is in my control and what isn't. It seems simple, right? Well, it is until you realize what you can't control and then accept it, let go of it, and no longer be affected by it. In a way, you are freeing yourself from the unnecessary burden of others reactions that you cannot control. I now know, I cannot control how my relationships with others will go. All I can control in a relationship is what I contribute and how I treat others. BUT, and this is a big but, NOTHING I do will stop that person from "changing", nothing. I need to accept that I can't control everything and not everything happens because of something I did or didn't do. Alhamdulillah, this realization and acceptance is very liberating. I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulder, true relief. I have to stop trying to control everything and by doing so, I must let go. I realized that my relationship and faith in Allah is the only thing that keeps me going many times. I wanted to list things I realized I can control and things I can't just so I can see it written.

I CAN control...

• Who I allow i my life
• Who I choose to have relationships (friends) with
• How I treat others
• How I allow others to treat me

I CANNOT control

• People who decide to leave
• Keeping a relationship going
•  Constantly communicating to avoid disconnection
• How some people see or understand a situation

These are just some of the things that are the most burdensome on me, and Insha'allah I will no longer let these things control me or limit me in any way. I will be free, Insha'allah. I will allow others to be and decide as they please, knowing it isn't always against me.

We meet again..but is this the end?

Dear S,
 
 I can't believe I am saying this but we actually met again. We met again this summer, but I must admit I was nervous. I mean it's been three years since! Do you remember? Oh how can you forget, it was a summer to remember. I do have many regrets, I don't think we knew how to act. You stayed silent and I did too. Should we have talked about it? Should I have asked you about the last letter you sent? I wish I did now but what good is in regret. I mean, look at it from my point of view, you've changed so much and now I don't even know you. Who have you become? What happened to my friend? Let me tell you what happened to me and I hope you will comprehend. I was so nervous to see you, I think I had butterflies too. I didn't know what to do, should I hug or should I just smile and say nice to see you, my old friend. Of course we hugged, after everything that is the least we could do.  When I first saw you, I forgot everything I had planned to do. You opened your arms and I just couldn't wait to hug you. Ah, the relief from being in the arms of someone I knew. You kept smiling and shed some tears too. I can't imagine what you thought that night, and I wish I do. I didn't see your kid till the second day but he was so adorable I love him too. Seeing your wife was interesting, and I don't think we'll be friends soon. I thought things would be like before, I call you but you ignored. You didn't answer my calls and didn't seem interested in anything I said. You were mainly cold and dry but was that how you dealt? I decided to leave you alone and just let things go, which I did. Fast forward to the day I left, I wanted my pictures from the summer before. Did you really not know where they went? I think you didn't want me to have them after everything that was said. You wanted to hurt me and you did. You got mad and angry but what was it that I did? I let you talk it out and realized that's all that needed to be said. You needed to get it out but you did let me explain how felt. I get it, you're mad but do you think I was not upset? I never got a chance to tell you my side, so hear is what I would've said:

How do you think I have been? Do you think I am happy loosing my best friend?

I trusted you and told you everything but you can't even listen.

You gossip about me now but what good is it.

Do you feel better talking about an old friend?

I would never say anything even if I'm dead.

What did you send me?

What was in the letter that I should've read.

Should've but didn't cause I was too scared then.  

Couldn't you stay my best friend?

I still needed you but you weren't there till the end.

I didn't forget about you this summer, but I am no longer a kid.

You should grow up too and maybe then

Maybe,

We can still be friends.

Can we?

Or is this now the end?



Something died inside of me..

Not me

 

Woke up one day and realized, something died inside of me.

What happened to the creative and fun part of me? Why did it leave?

How did I not see it go and how do I get it back?

Oh the childish side of me, please come back!

 I miss you very much as tears run down my face from your absence.

 I want to play again and draw outside the lines, and feel your presence.

 I want to see everyday and everything as an adventure and just enjoy it.

 Oh joy, why did you leave me too? Did I not satisfy you?

 Or did you prefer the childish side of me?

 It's OK, I understand. I would've left me too.

They always say don't rush growing up but that's the only choice they give us.

 All the rules and restrictions, how can we be us?

I no longer recognize myself from all the pain, hurt, and sorrow.

Who am I and what do I stand for?

 When did things become so unclear and life so black and white with nothing in between.

 I miss laughing for no reason and smiling just because I can.

 When did I become so fake? "Hey, how are you?" "I'm great!".

 Lier! Lier!

 I can see it on your face, but you can't because I now have a poker face.

 You won't see me cry or be vulnerable, no not me.

You will no longer see the sensitive side of me, I am as tough as can be.

 I will not break out and let everyone see the complete me.

I was once me and that was why people were so mean.

Maybe they were jealous, how can she be so happy and just be?

 Well, I hope you're happy and laugh as you please.

 Because I will be me again, but just different you'll see.

 I will nourish what has died inside of me until it's healthy and no longer weak.

You can't handle me, but I can't stand not to be.

 You will no longer cause me pain and sorrow,

 and  I will no longer worry about your tomorrow.

 We all die alone and are judged alone, so since that is true than let me be.

 Oh childish side of me, I will let you be.

I will protect you and allow you to be free.

Express yourself as you please, cause I won't be mean.

You are a part of me, and without you I'm incomplete.

I don't ever want to grow up and be this,

not me.