Abandonment issues

Well, I am no longer in denial. Yes I have "abandonment issues" but how does that effect me? For starters, I can't stand silence for long, I worry the people I love and care about will leave me at the first sign of trouble or anything else for that matter. I am a prisoner of people. I am attached to people. I love to have people around me. I worry about the condition of the people in my life. Let me make it clear, only a small number of people that I really love is what I worry about. I have become vulnerable and nothing anyone says or does changes my mind. Have I proven my case? The question is what am I going to do about it? Well, I am on a mission to do my own therapy with much needed help from Allah, Alhamdulillah. It is actually working out pretty good I must say. So for starters I narrowed it down to a list of  the most important person in my life to the lesser important person and focus on that person first, going slowly. I started a fast, a fast of talking, approaching  or even talking (well, I tried) about that person for a month. How did that go you might ask? I'm about 2 weeks into this.At first I thought I can do this, I CAN DO THIS!! After 5 days and that person hasn't called or anything I started wondering, is my relationship coming to an end? Oh Allah can I do this? But I told myself "No! You will do this! Even if the relationship ends! You won't quite" So I didn't. I started to watch more lectures, especially by Sheikh Omar Suleiman, and I didn't feel as vulnerable and attached anymore. I was becoming ok and more "stable". To my shock the person actually sent me a message!! I know I was shocked but did I reply? Heck no! I still have 2 weeks to go. I need to do this and I can't worry about the relationship breaking apart. It shouldn't if the person really cares about me and wants me in their life. I need them to be in my hand and not in my heart because the only One who should be in my heart is Allah, and Alhamdulillah.
Let me know if you'd like an update on how this goes and what Lectures I'm watching :)

Can you Comment, please?!

Ok, so I love writing on this blog but I also LOVE having conversations with other people and not just myself. If one of my posts intrigue you, tell me! If you are curious about why I posted something, tell me! If you'd like to know more, tell me! What do you want to see me post about? Please tell me! I know you probably would if you really wanted to but I'm just gonna give that extra push! wink-wink!

We'll live & see

I have discovered my own therapy tool, Alhamdulillah. I have found myself lately wondering a lot and thinking the dangerous "what if" about the future. All of a sudden I caught myself always saying "We'll live & see". That has made a world of a difference in my attitude and anxiety level. I mean really, can we do anything but live and see. So I wanted to share my new found peace of mind and what actually helps me look forward to see how things will work out and what will happen. Try it, you might like it too!

Till Then,

We'll live & see...

Why do people have to leave each other?

This is my constant and ongoing struggle: why do people have to leave each other? I remember reading Yasmin Mogahed's article on this a while back and thought it would be a great idea to read it again as a reminder. Alhamdulillah, I must work on this attachment, it's too painful, too unpredictable, and too draining for me to keep going through it again and again. I recommend everyone to read that article and it's part two also. But I'm thinking, now what? How do I detach? How do I change my connection from people to Allah? I don't know what to do first and how to do it but I have started. I decided to determine who am I currently attached to and not contact that person for a month. Kind of like fasting, I'm fasting from some people. I need to detach! I desperately want to detach and Insha'allah I hope I can. If anyone has suggestions on what I should do please share, I would LOVE to heard your thoughts and input on this. Make Dua' that Allah makes this change and transition easier for me, Ameen. I've attached the links below to the articles and Insha'allah it will benefit you as it has benefited me.

Why do people have to leave each other? Part 1

People leave each other. But do they return? Part 2



My latest YouTube obsession

I accidentally clicked on a YouTube video about the funniest Sahaba by Sheikh Omar Suleiman and I enjoyed it so much that I decided to see if has has anymore videos on YouTube. Well, it turns out he has a ton and I had no idea how amazing and informative they were! I have been listening to his lectures and Khutbas any chance I get and Alhamdulillah I have learned so much. I want to talk about one in particular; Being Independent of the Creation. SubhanAllah, I needed to hear that one and especially on the day I watched it. I have learned that boundaries are always needed when it comes to people and making sure that you are ALWAYS relying on Allah and not people like you. I am some what a control freak and this was something I needed to hear, I can't control! I can't control who stays in my life and who doesn't. I can't control who is honest and sincere to me and who isn't. But I can control how I let people affect my life and to what extent, and that can only happen with what I love to do: control! I would love to post many more of my favorite lectures by Sheikh Omar Suleiman Insha'allah but for now, be independent of the creation and you will have succeeded. Click here to watch the YouTube video.

Dear Mom, I miss you.

My Dear Mom,
I miss you so very much. I miss your smile and laugh but most of all I miss your hugs. I don't know how we got to be so apart but I miss you. I hope that we can repair our relationship and be with each other once again. My birthday is almost here, and I remembered how you would call me "Birthday Girl!" a month before, but not anymore. I was your sweetie and care bear, was is the key word here. I hate growing up for this very reason, I am no longer in your nest and its easier to grow apart. Mom, I love you! I am sorry if I have done anything to hurt you in anyway. I would never want to do that and I hate the thought that I might have already. I can't wait for us to meet! It's been too long and I need my mommy, I always will. I have been going through so many life changes and I got confused. I still am Mom, and I don't know what to do. I have no idea who to trust and who not to but that isn't as bad as loosing you. I love how we were friends and I trusted you for everything but I know that's gonna take work. I just want things to go back to how they were between us and even better. I can't stand the thought of loosing you and I can't stand not being close to you. I hope you can forgive me and accept my request, to be your loving daughter again.

Someday, Insha'allah.

Oh Allah, I have no idea what is in store for me and what challenges and happiness is yet to come. I do pray that someday I will meet a man that will be the One for me. I am not being unrealistic nor do I think I will live happily ever after but I know that marriage can be a beautiful connection you have between you and your spouse for the sake of Allah. I know Allah knows what is best for me but these are some of the things I think would be nice to have in a spouse, Insha'allah.
From a religious stand point, It would be nice to have a man who will lead Fajr prayer and any other prayer while he is home. A man that loves to discuss Islam and learn new things with me about the beauty of our religion. A man that strives to be closer to Allah and knows that we should strive together in order to be with each other in Jannah. A man who knows and honors my Islamic rights just as I will honor his.
From another stand point, I would love to have a man that knows how to be sensitive when I am hurt or upset and understanding when I need someone to listen. A man that won't get angry and knows how to control his temper. A man who can be romantic and thoughtful of what I need and surprise me from time to time. A man that will put me first as I will do the same for him. A man that knows how to calm me down and reassure me when I feel like my life is a mess and don't know what to do.
Many of you might say: "I thought you were going to be realistic?!?" well, I am and these things do exists. Why do we think that men are not capable of being all these things and more?
I also would like to include a letter to my future hubby, too much you think? Well, I miss him without knowing him and I know Allah will connect us when the time is right so till then..

Dear Future Babe,
I just want you to know that I think I have an idea of why we aren't together yet. My life is a mess right now and I am doing so much self discovery you can't even imagine. I think this year is going to be very interesting but I am excited at the same time. I look forward to meeting you but Insha'allah I am open to it when you come around, if not don't give up. I am a great person (not bragging) but please understand if I am not always "normal". I have been through so much and I am still going through it all but I will come around and learn to trust you. I look forward to our life together and the kids Insha'allah we will be blessed with but I am not ready yet. I wish I was but I want to be sure that I can give you everything you deserve from me and more. Someday, Insha'allah we will sit together and laugh at how our lives were before we met and how much its changed after. Talk about our kids and you telling me they will be fine and not to worry too much. FYI I am a panicker, along with a little bit of anxiety but Insha'allah I will come around. I love to love but you have to earn my trust first. Once you do, I promise you will be my everything. My one and only until Allah separates us just for a short while. I don't only want this Dunya (This life) with you but more importantly the Akhira (Afterlife). We can strive for that together and Insha'allah with Allah's mercy we will achieve it. I smile just at the thought of meeting you because I know that Allah has much in store for me and you will be just as amazing as every other blessing in my life. Till then I will love you for the sake of Allah, now and forever, Insha'allah.